


Sleazy Pete's Commercials

by ProdigySorcerer



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms
Genre: Alternate Universe, Gen, Out of Character, mentions of prostituion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-04
Updated: 2015-07-04
Packaged: 2018-04-07 16:51:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4270734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ProdigySorcerer/pseuds/ProdigySorcerer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In a Westeross nearly the same as in canon except for the minor fact that television is a thing people have, Petyr Baelish is directing a series of adds for his chain of brothels "Sleazy Pete's", watch as the who's who of Westeross appear to either approve or condemn his fine establishments. AU (Mentions of prostitution/brothels but nothing explicit)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sleazy Pete's Commercials

"Hello, my name is Petyr Baelish you may know me as The Master of Coin " the short man began to speak into the camera, while a news reel style text flashed bellow showing 'MASTER OF COINS: ALLWAYS WORKING SO THAT ROBERT HASN'T TO RULE NOT EVEN ONE HOUR SOBER' " my friends call me Littlefinger ... " the text bellow showing 'THE FINGER IS NOT HIS PENIS'.

" ... but most of the Realm knows me as Pete, Sleazy Pete in fact owner of the largest chain of brothels in these Seven Kingdoms. Now what do I need to do to get even more of you folks to come " Petyr winked " come on down and try out my fine establishments ? ... Well I don't know what I can do to make them any better when I already have such fine patrons as ... "

"Cut !!! That's a wrap. " yelled Varys who besides being Master of Whispers also employed his significant mummer's experience as a freelance director.

"Did you get me at the right angle ? You know that they say the camera shaves 10 inches from your height ... "

"Petyr baby you looked great but move on along it's time for the first testimonial segment."

*** PRO TESTIMONIALS *** 

"Now I'm no Aegon the Unworthy ... because I'M NO STINKING EVIL DRAGONSPAWN " Robert's voice boomed as the text bellow proclaimed his titles " but I've been told I know a thing or two about whores. And whenever the little missy is guarding her cunt like it's Casterly Rock and I'm no mood for a siege I just ride on down to Sleazy's Pete."

"And I recommend you do the same, just tell them Bobby B sent you and you want the royal package." he finished with a wink to the camera while the text bellow read 'WARNING: DEMANDING THE ROYAL PACKAGE WITHOUT BEING PART OF HOUSE BARATHEON IS TREASON (MAY BE PUNISHED BY BEHEADING)'

"Very good your grace." exclaimed Varys

"Very regal ... " Petyr joined in.

"Eh no problem Littlefinger Jon says you're his man, and if Jon trusts you then I trust you." the king proclaimed before making his royal exit from the stage

"Next pro testimonial ... " the director called out.

"Hi, I'm Renly Baratheon Lord of Storm's End and Master of Laws, with my dashing good looks, huge fortune and royal ties I've been consistently voted the Realm's hottest bachelor ... " Renly paused as he starts to look a bit uncomfortable "and many people just throw their daughters at me and nag me about when am I going to get married ? Well the answer is when I fight the right ... partner " the text reel bellow his image was displaying 'WOW SUCH LADY KILLER MUCH HETEROSEXUALITY' "but until then as a hot blooded young man I still have my needs and that's why I choose Sleazy Pete's because there is where I can get to tenth base ... er or was it second ?"

"Cut that's a wrap !"

"Are you sure don't you need me to do another take ?"

"No your grace, we're good, time is money and we need to start the 'counter' series of shots."

"But my dear customers you don't need to decide to come on down just because of those royal recommendations, you've got to come to us because we're the only brothel chain honest enough to donate air time to our opponents so that they can talk to you about our flaws." Petyr began as a introduction to the next guess.

*** COUNTER TESTIMONIALS *** 

"Hello I am Eddard Stark, Lord of Winterfell and Warden of the North ... " 

The text bellow helpfully added 'LUCKY BASTARD WHO ISN'T WORTHY OF CAT AND ONLY GOT TO MARRY HER DUE TO HIS FAMILY NAME'

"and on principle I'm opposed to brothels I know the gods have filled us with lust, but we must resist, winter is coming ... "

The text bellow continued 'AND SO CAN YOU, JUST ASK ABOUT OUR SPECIAL NORTHON OFFERS RANGING FROM THE MOST VANILLA STARK OFFERINGS TO OUR MOST KINKY BOLTON PACKAGE'

" and only those with the grim determination to uphold their honour can bla bla marriage vows bla bla purity bla bla honour"

'HE SURE DOES TALK A LOT ABOUT MARRIAGE, GIVEN HIS CONFIRMED (AT LEAST ONE) BASTARD DOESN'T HE?' inquired the words on the screen just bellow Ned's image.

"Ok, thank you Ned for appearing in this even tough your personally don't believe in my business model" Petyr said after the shot.

"No offence Lord Baelish but I hope I could persuaded as many people as possible not to come to your houses."

"None taken Ned, now I assume you don't want to hang around while we do post production it's very dull and geeky work adding some text and graphics etc etc ..."

The next segment began.

"Greetings I am Stannis Baratheon, Master of Ships, Lord of Dragonstone and rightful heir to Storm's End ... "

Under his image the text began to roll 'ADDITIONAL TITLES: LORD OF ANTI-FUN, PROTECTOR OF PRUDES EVERYWHERE, WILL ARREST YOU FOR GRAMMAR ERRORS'

" ... and I can't believe I got roped into this mummer's farce if it was after me I'd close every damn single brothel in the Realm, I suggested as much to Robert but it was not to be, if I was King things would be very different I can assure you."

the text continued to roll 'TYPICAL EXAMPLE OF SOMEONE WHO IS NOT OUR CUSTOMER, HONESTLY WE'D OFFER HIM A FEW TRIPS ON THE HOUSE JUST SO HE DOESN'T START BURNING PEOPLE IN HIS FRUSTRATION'

"Wonderful Lord Stannis I'm sure I'll have at least 50% less visitors due to your opposition."

"Less ... " Stannis said under his breath while departing

"Hello Westeross it is We your rightful king Viserys Third of His Name, due to the recent ahem political problems I'm currently residing in Essos and let me tell you ... "

The text clarified 'WHEN WE MEAN A OPPOSING VIEWPOINT THIS IS A OPPOSING POLITICAL VIEWPOINT'

" ... every prostitute there is some sort of slave and I as your rightful king also share your anti slavery stance so that will just not do ... so remember when you need a whore go local, go Sleazy Pete alsoBaratehonsSuckTargsRule #lastDragon300AC."

"Thank your eh grace " Varys began "the Targaryen holdout market is still pretty strong and with your support we'll be the only brothels hitting it." 

"No it is We who should be thanking you lords Varys and Baelish with the money from this spot me and my sister can continue our efforts to get our rightful throne back ... and to think I was this close to selling Danny to that horse savage." said the young would be king with honest relief.

"Final segments now, Petyr do the introduction " the eunuch called.

*** WOMEN’S TESTIMONIALS***

"Now ladies I'm sure there's some of you thinking that if your man will go to a brothel it's such a great shame that it might as well be any brothel, but my last three speakers are here to tell you why that isn't so ..."

"Hello I'm Lysa sigh Arryn nee Tully " the text bellow was showing 'YOU'RE TOO GOOD FOR THAT GEEZER AS WELL LYSA' " and I'm here to endorse Petyr, oh that man such a financial genius ... so handsome I don't know what he's trying to sell to you good people this week but I'm sure it's of the utmost quality, so you'd better buy or else you're going to take a little walk out of the moon door !!!" 

"Thanks Lysa that was perfect, you should be a star in your own right not appearing in my commercials." Petyr said while giving her the bedroom eyes.

"Oh you flatterer ... we'll talk about that later." she finished in conspiratorial tones.

"Get a room you two, our next speaker hasn't got all day." Varys interrupted.

"This is Cersei Lannister, Queen of these Seven Kingdoms, Light of the West, The Lioness of Casterly Rock but I want to tell you poor common women that I know the world isn't fair, why it is us who should be in the armours and wielding the swords not the dullards we were forced to marry."

The text bellow helpfully added 'EMPOWERED WOMEN JUST ONE OF THE MANNY MANNY PERVERSITIES WE OFFER AT SLEAZY PETE'S'

"And I want you to know that I've thought about you poor common women, really the thought has haunted me what if I was given a even worse fate than that of a wealthy heiress who had to marry the king, well I can tell you rather than accepting a life of pulling beets out of the ground I'd take only sensible choice for a woman in our society and sigh ... whore myself out at Sleazy Pete's."

"That's a wrap, thank you your grace." Petyr signalled.

"Yes yes it was an honour for you and your establishments ... now where's the money?"

"Delivered to your servants as we spoke, might I enquire though why does a member of House Lannister need to seek outside funds for a project."

"Hmm Father didn't see my genius, but he is old and set in his ways with the new power of TV millions of young girls in the Realm will reap the benefit of my wisdom and council once the 'CERSEI LANNISTER POWER HOUR' will be on the air."

"Last shot of the day !!! Let's do this people."

"Hi I'm Catelyn Stark Lady of the North ... "

The text bellow jumped to life 'YOU'LL ALWAYS BE CAT TULLY TO ME, MY BELOVED'

"... and I just want to say that while I don't approve of brothels on principle sigh somehow even the most honourable men loose their way from time to time and if they do so they might as well do so in a professional establishment, where moon tea is available and dirty dirty bastards aren't then pawned off on the stupid gullible men to take home and nearly wreck their beautiful marriages."

"So remember a visit at Sleazy Pete's might just save your marriage."

"Ok that was the last scene. I hope my lords and ladies had fun while filming ? " Littlefinger addressed the cast before they would be off to the post production banquet.

"If took the bloody effort to get us all here for this mummery you might as well made the script a bit more interesting, I don't know killed some of us ?" Robert's voiced boomed while Ned nodded in agreement.


End file.
